No disclaimer on this one. If you don't like it, that's too bad.

Every once in awhile, I get really inspired. Mainly because I'll hear a story about someone doing some kind of awesome outreach, or really affecting change for God in an amazing way. I begin to wonder, why don't I do things that have a profound impact on people? I've always hidden behind a guise of wanting everyone to like me, and that people don't like talking religion because no two people can ever agree, and not wanting to shove things down people's throats that they don't want to hear ... but what about the people who DO want to hear? What have I ever done for them? What opportunities have I missed because I didn't want to offend anyone?
Cru always used to do a big campus outreach once a semester. I usually skipped that day, a) because I didn't always agree with the way they were doing it, and b) because I don't know how to talk to perfect strangers about God. I've been through the training and know the right things to say, of course, but sometimes what people need isn't all of the "right" answers. Knowing God doesn't magically solve everything that's wrong in your life, and I don't want to pretend that it does. And maybe that's why I've had such problems trying to teach others when I feel like my life is such a bad example.
I'm not going to lie, I am not a role model for a good Christian life. I can count on ... probably two fingers ... the number of times I've cracked my Bible since I moved here almost four months ago (excluding going to church). I am happy with the choices I've made, but I definitely don't feel like a lot of them are God-driven. I am a little surprised that God has allowed me the opportunities He has when I've been so unfaithful. I've been too self-reliant. I have been too impatient for results to relax and let God be in control.

I'm looking for a church. I think I found one I like, but it's not just a matter of me liking it. I'm discovering that what I need is a place to go where it doesn't matter who else is there, or what anyone else is doing, and I forget for a moment that anything else exists. It's just me and God here now. I felt good today.

It's very frustrating to be a good communicator and still feel like I'm not communicating well enough.

Here's a bigger thought: Is it really loving everyone if I say nothing about a greater love that changes people?